Apr. 28th, 2017

iamthegayagenda: (Default)
A/N: heeey thanks for sticking around guys. i'm gonna try to post more regularly after this week (either once a week or bi-weekly). the smut in the first part was entirely unplanned but be warned: there is a lot of angst in this one. as per usual, palm trees = a flashback. hope yall enjoy the suffering. (also follow me on tumblr!! ask me questions!! i'm at kyungsoosjigglynalgas)

He craved warmth. He was starved of the warmth of touch, or so he felt. New York had been three years of touch-starved studying, except for the few rushed nights with Insung (which had left him, every morning, so disgusted he could hardly stomach food for the next few days), and Honolulu, for the past two months, looked to be the same. Baekhyun had relaxed considerably since that afternoon in the kitchen, hugging and touching Kyungsoo without the reserve he’d first had, but Jongin hadn’t. Their touches were limited to sex, and Kyungsoo found himself drowning in the need to run his fingers through Jongin’s hair, to settle on Jongin’s lap and bury his face in Jongin’s neck, to press kisses to the wide expanse of Jongin’s shoulders. Jongin was cold, reminding Kyungsoo of the distance between them whenever Kyungsoo caved, trying to feed the need for touch. He wanted to feel the warmth of Jongin’s skin, to fall asleep on Jongin’s golden, sun-warmed back like he used to in their tiny apartment on Algaroba Street. But Jongin denied him every time, so he had come to depend on Baekhyun to fulfill that need, clinging to Baekhyun even when the muggy afternoons left them in a sticky film of sweat, their backs, necks, foreheads covered in perspiration.
Which was why Kyungsoo was currently curled up on the towel, a perpetual scowl on his face, while Baekhyun and Junmyeon were wrestling, Baekhyun falling off Junmyeon’s shoulders into the shallow water, with an amused Jongin watching them from a safe distance. They’d had a late brunch, arriving at the beach close to three in the afternoon; Junmyeon, who had greeted Kyungsoo politely enough, had been a foil to Kyungsoo the whole afternoon, stealing the attention of both Baekhyun and Jongin, both of them burying him under hugs and corny handshakes and genuine joy to see him. The resentment simmered in Kyungsoo, but he couldn’t blame Junmyeon; it didn’t lessen the sting of rejection that left him a heap of sourness on the beach, a grumpy blight on the sunny sands.
Junmyeon managed to escape Baekhyun’s arms, walking towards the heap of towels on the sport bag beside Kyungsoo, wiping the saltwater out of his eyes.
“You’re not gonna go for a swim? The water’s nice, not too cold,” said Junmyeon, disappearing under the fuzzy blue of the towel. Kyungsoo stared at Jongin’s head bobbing above the water, avoiding Baekhyun’s splashes.
“Swimming. Water. Cool down?” Junmyeon plopped onto the towel next to him, waving a hand in front of Kyungsoo’s face. Kyungsoo blushed, tearing his eyes away from Jongin and Baekhyun.
“Oh. Uh- I don’t- Maybe later,” Kyungsoo stretched his legs out, pushing sand around with his toes. Junmyeon gave him a curious look, still toweling his hair.
“How are you?” he asked. Kyungsoo looked at him, bug-eyed. “I mean, you and Jongin.” He pressed his lips together, guilt rising in his throat like nausea.
“Honestly, I don’t know,” he said softly.
“Baekhyun told me you two are-“ Kyungsoo looked at him and Junmyeon half smiled, almost embarrassed, “physically intimate.”
“Those are not Baekhyun’s words,” said Kyungsoo. They laughed.
“No, he said you two were fucking, and he was so shocked by how New York that sounded and he didn’t want to use the word fuck that way again,” said Junmyeon. Kyungsoo snorted, looking back out at the water, where Baekhyun was flailing against Jongin’s attempts to shove him underwater.
“We are, but that’s about it,” Kyungsoo said at last.
“You haven’t talked,” he looked at Junmyeon with surprise. “I know my cousin, and he’s been the moodiest bitch ever since you got back.” Kyungsoo blushed. “It won’t get better if you don’t talk, you know.”
“I know,” Junmyeon gave him a look, eyebrows arched.
“Soon,” Kyungsoo looked down at his toes, wiggling them.
“Yah, you not gonna dunk yourself in the water a bit?” Baekhyun’s loud voice broke the silence, cold droplets falling on Kyungsoo’s legs. Kyungsoo shook his head. “New York made you allergic to the water?” They laughed. Baekhyun settled next to Junmyeon, ignoring Junmyeon’s protest about having already dried off and pressing himself to Junmyeon’s side. Jongin, who had been right behind Baekhyun, grabbed a towel, sitting next to Kyungsoo. He was close to the edge, sand sticking to the wet rim of his bathing suit. The sour mood settled heavily again, Kyungsoo looking at the space between him and Jongin. It was only a few inches, but Jongin deliberately sat away from him, his tanned back facing Kyungsoo.
Baekhyun was, through no fault of his own, insufferable. He pressed kisses to Junmyeon’s face and neck, rubbing his nose on Junmyeon’s shoulder, sharing soft kisses and holding hands with Junmyeon. It made the inches between himself and Jongin even worse, the need to wrap his arms around Jongin, to taste the salt on Jongin’s skin and drink in the warmth. A cold breeze made Jongin shiver and he wrapped the towel around himself, looking over at Baekhyun and Junmyeon with a guarded look. Kyungsoo used to hold the key to those looks, reading Jongin like an open book even when others found Jongin perplexing. Three years ago, Kyungsoo would have said Jongin was jealous, the envy simmering under the surface, but now he wasn’t sure, couldn’t be sure, though he hoped he was right.
Jongin stood up.
“I, uh, think I’m gonna head home, actually,” he said, holding the towel tightly around himself. Junmyeon and Baekhyun looked up at him, puzzled.
“So soon, brah? Why?” Baekhyun asked, resting his chin on Junmyeon’s shoulder. Jongin buried his toes in the sand, looking down at the droplets that still dripped from his bathing suit.
“I have the opening shift tomorrow, don’t wanna go to sleep too late,” he murmured, not meeting Baekhyun’s eyes. Baekhyun hummed. “Uh, hyung.” Kyungsoo didn’t move. “Kyungsoo.” Kyungsoo looked up at Jongin, blinking stupidly.
“Oh, me?”
“Yeah, let’s go,” Jongin grabbed Kyungsoo’s bag, waiting for Kyungsoo to stand up. He scrambled, nearly falling face forward into the sand, looking back at Baekhyun and Junmyeon.
The car ride was quiet, far too quiet for the comfort of Kyungsoo’s frayed nerves. Jongin kept fidgeting, readjusting his grip on the wheel, fiddling with the volume on the radio, changing stations until he turned it off. The image of Baekhyun and Junmyeon kissing was burned into Kyungsoo’s mind, the need for Jongin’s touch growing with each red light.
Jongin threw the bag on the floor, waiting for Kyungsoo to close the door before pulling him close, kissing him. Kyungsoo dropped the keys, melting in Jongin’s arm as Jongin pressed open mouthed kisses down his neck. He kissed Jongin’s shoulder, relishing in the taste of the sea on Jongin’s warm skin until Jongin pulled him towards the bathroom, fumbling with the shower and testing the water. Kyungsoo watched the muscles ripple under Jongin’s skin, shifting his weight when Jongin slid the bathing suit off, half hard and still wet.
“You gonna shower with clothes on?” Jongin asked, chuckling. Kyungsoo blushed, taking his clothes off. Jongin pulled him into the shower, kissing him under the spray. “Suck me off,” Jongin murmured, his fingers tangled in Kyungsoo’s hair. Kyungsoo kissed his way down, sucking on the head of Jongin’s half-hard dick. Jongin hissed, his grip on Kyungsoo’s hair tightening when Kyungsoo sank down on him. He traced his tongue around the head and the slit, sucking at the pace Jongin had set with his hands on Kyungsoo’s head. Jongin no longer tasted like salt, the sweet water of the shower mingled with the warmth of him in Kyungsoo’s mouth.
Jongin had closed his eyes, reveling in the feeling of Kyungsoo’s tongue and lips, moaning softly, but Kyungsoo wished he’d open his eyes. He wanted to see the pleasure in Jongin’s eyes, the dark intensity in Jongin’s eyes when he was turned on, the intimacy of Jongin’s gaze that always made Kyungsoo blush; but Jongin kept his eyes closed, thrusting into Kyungsoo’s mouth shallowly. Kyungsoo kept sucking, drawing deep groans out of Jongin, reaching and licking and touching the spots he knew would bring Jongin to the edge.
Jongin hissed, thrusting deeper into Kyungsoo’s mouth, cumming with a low moan. Kyungsoo winced, pushing against Jongin’s hands and coughing up cum, scrunching his nose at the mess on his chin. Jongin laughed, helping Kyungsoo stand and wiping the cum off Kyungsoo’s lips. They kissed, Jongin pushing the cum that was left into Kyungsoo’s mouth with his tongue, reaching down to touch Kyungsoo’s neglected hard-on. Kyungsoo moaned, a hand around Jongin’s wrist as Jongin jerked him off, cumming with a breathy sigh.


Kyungsoo had never been the best problem solver, but he knew then, the half-packed suitcase on the floor between Jongin and him, that he had monumentally fucked up; there was no going back from this. Jongin was frowning slightly, looking down at the neatly folded clothes, lips parted. Kyungsoo didn’t dare speak or move, swallowing hard.
“What-“ Jongin looked up at Kyungsoo, searching for the right words, “What are you doing? What is this?” Kyungsoo looked away, his chest tightening.
“I didn’t- I’m so sorry, Jongin, I really didn’t know how to tell you-“
“Tell me what?” Jongin’s voice was barely audible.
“I- I’m leaving. To New York. I got accepted to Columbia so I’m going,” Kyungsoo managed, his breath coming out ragged. Jongin stared at him.
“When are you- when are you leaving?” he asked, the tears glittering in his eyes. Kyungsoo shifted his weight, avoiding Jongin’s gaze.
“Next week,” Kyungsoo whispered, wincing at the sound of Jongin’s choked sob.
“Next week? Next fucking week?” Jongin turned away, covering his face with his hands. His back hiccuped with the sobs. “How long are you going to be there?” Kyungsoo didn’t answer, looking at the floor. “How fucking long, Kyungsoo?” Kyungsoo closed his eyes.
“Three years,”
“Three years?”
“Jongin-“ Kyungsoo stepped forward, but Jongin lurched out of his reach, raw pain in his eyes.
“When the hell were you going to tell me?”
“I don’t know,”
“You didn’t fucking know? What- Why? What the fuck were you waiting for?” Jongin’s voice was raw, ragged with emotion. Kyungsoo felt his stomach lurch.
“Jongin, I don’t know. I know this is really last minute but I didn’t know how to tell you-“
“Didn’t know how? And what? Was I supposed to find out when I got home next week and find out you’re on a plane going halfway across the fucking world for three fucking years?” Jongin was sobbing, his face splotchy with tears. Kyungsoo felt his heart drop, seeing the hurt in Jongin’s eyes, the way Jongin was falling apart in front of him.
“I didn’t want to hurt you-“
“How is not telling me supposed to help me?” Kyungsoo bowed his head again, taking a shaky breath. Jongin wiped the tears away furiously, sniffling. “You never talked about this. You didn’t tell me you wanted to leave. You never once mentioned leaving, and now you just think you can leave without telling anyone and it’ll all be fine?” He was raising his voice, a desperation in his tone that Kyungsoo had never heard in Jongin.
“I know I didn’t and I’m sorry, Jongin. I didn’t even think I’d get in I just applied for kicks but if I got accepted why wouldn’t I go?”
“I- I’m not saying you shouldn’t go you just didn’t fucking tell me! You’re just leaving!”
“This is a chance for me to start my life! Did you really expect for me to stay on this fucking island forever? There's nothing here for me,” Kyungsoo snapped.
“Nothing here for you? What about me? What about us?” Jongin was screaming now; Kyungsoo took a step back, his breath hitching. “Am I not enough?”
“That’s not what I meant-“
“No. That’s exactly what you meant. I’m not enough. The last five years, the life we’ve been building together, they’re all on this fucking island,” Jongin was nearly in hysterics, wiping his tears away angrily, “Well, I’m sorry all I ever did was waste your fucking time.” He dissolved into sobs, hardly able to breathe. Kyungsoo felt the sting of his tears, reaching out to Jongin.
“Jongin, baby, I swear that isn’t what I meant-“
“Don’t- don’t touch me!” Jongin whimpered, so desperate to move away from Kyungsoo’s outstretched hand he nearly tripped over the suitcase.
“Jongin,” Kyungsoo couldn’t stop the sob, “please-“
“What about us, hyung?” Jongin sobbed again, holding his head in his hands, “what about us?” Kyungsoo stepped over the suitcase to hug him but Jongin moved away, giving Kyungsoo one last tearful look, a look so raw, so full of pain that Kyungsoo burst into tears, before running out of the room. The apartment door slammed shut, Kyungsoo sinking to knees. He was trembling, his heart palpitating in a frenzy; it was too late. He’d lost Jongin. There was no going back.

Kyungsoo wiped down the counter, jumping when Jongin said his name.
“You’re upset,” he said softly, leaning against the island. Kyungsoo went back to wiping the counter, sweeping the rag over the edge of the sink as well. “Why?” Kyungsoo wrung the rag out, arranging it over the faucet to let it dry.
“What makes you think I’m upset?” he asked, not turning around. He heard Jongin scoff.
“We were together for five years, and we’ve been friends longer than that,” said Jongin, “Why are you upset?” There was an edge to his voice Kyungsoo had only heard him use when speaking to people he didn’t particularly trust.
“I’m fine,” said Kyungsoo, turning around to face Jongin. Jongin folded his arms across his chest, raising an eyebrow.
“Fine,” he cocked his head, pushing himself off the counter. Kyungsoo cursed him for knowing what he didn’t want to admit.
“It’s just- All we do is fuck,” Kyungsoo hated the look of mild surprise on Jongin’s face.
“I didn’t realize that bothered you, y’know, considering you’re the one who comes over asking to oof,” said Jongin, leaning back against the counter.
“It doesn’t bother me,” Kyungsoo grumbled, “I just want-“ Jongin pursed his lips, waiting for Kyungsoo to finish. “I want more,” he finished quietly.
“More what?” Kyungsoo looked up at Jongin, biting back an angry retort.
“You know what. I know you want it, too, the way you were looking at Baekhyun and Junmyeon,” said Kyungsoo. Jongin shifted his weight, his face guarded again.
“What, are we supposed to just pick it up like you didn’t abandon us to start your life in New York?” Jongin asked bitterly, watching the guilt choke Kyungsoo’s reply.
“You- you have every right to be angry, and I’m sorry for what I did. I hate myself for this, for leaving you, for leaving home, for wanting things to be like they were before I left,” said Kyungsoo, sniffling miserably. Jongin was quiet, his face blank. “I know what I did was wrong. I monumentally fucked up the best things in my life and I have no right to ask for things to go back but I miss it, I miss you and I miss us.” Jongin looked up at him, a flicker of pain his eyes.
“It took everything I had in those three years to pull myself back together, then you came back and tore right through everything I’d worked on,” said Jongin, his voice trembling.
“I’m so sorry,”
“I don’t- don’t say that,” Kyungsoo’s shoulders fell, his back crumpling. “You can’t just leave like that and then come back asking for us to be together. You don’t know how you ripped me apart, how you knocked out everything from under me.” Tears brimmed in Jongin’s eyes, his voice steadier.
“I’m- I ruined everything I had, and I didn’t know what I’d be coming back to. Baekhyun was so distant, and Junmyeon too. You- you were also distant but- you still let me in that day. When you kissed me I didn’t know what to think, but I missed you so much, I needed- I need you-“ Jongin shook his head, his lips pressed into a thin line.
“You don’t get to say that,”
“I love you,” Kyungsoo knew he shouldn’t have said it, especially when Jongin’s face twisted in pain, but the desperation was beating against his chest, as erratic as the frantic beat of his heart.
“Get out,” it was barely audible, but Kyungsoo still felt his heart drop, a cold sweat breaking out on his forehead. “Go!” Kyungsoo was still frozen to the spot, his breathing labored. Jongin stepped forward, shoving Kyungsoo towards the door. Kyungsoo stumbled, fumbling to slip into his shoes and run out of the apartment. The slam of the door behind him made him wince, and he stood there, stunned, until the ding of the elevator snapped him out of the daze.


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